Predators Review: Welcome Back Joey Crabface

Predator is hands down one of the best movies of the 80's and definitely one of Arnold Schwarzenegger best films (who's resume also fills some of my favorite 80's movies: Conan, Terminator etc.). It's also on record of having the worst series rate ever up there with Psycho (seriously why did we need a Psycho 2, 3 and 4?) or Jaws. Predator 2 sucks so hard I think this movie is trying to write it out of continuity. And don't get me started on how much Alien vs Predator is one of the worst ideas since... well Freddy vs Jason. But now thanks to incredibly awesome producer Robert Rodriguez we finally after 23 fucking years we have a Predator movie that can stand next to Predator. It even remembers to bring the blind firing into the jungle where they can't hit a damn thing.


Predators really starts strong and keeps trucking. Name the last movie where eight unlucky bastards (and one lovely bastardette) wake up free falling out of the sky and luckily enough have their parachutes deploy? Didn't think so. Here we find Royce (Adrien Brody) an ex soldier, I think (characterization isn't very important in this movie) with a new band of soldiers: the stands out for me being bad ass sniper Isabelle (Alice Braga), silent Yakuza samurai Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien)and Noland (Laurence Fishburne) who is by far the coolest character in the movie. So are rag tag group of killers join together to survive and are attacked by the newest member of the Predator clan: the Predadog. Yes a Predator hunting dog is sent after them which leads to a somewhat cool scene. But we didn't come here to see hunting dogs, we came for the Predators. So the team finds out there in a Predator hunting grounds on an alien planet (hopefully Pandora so we can have Predator vs. Navi) and must now try to find a way off this planet all while being hunted by the new and improved Predators. Along the way we get a live action version of Arby N' Chief, Laurence Fishburne being generally cool, a kick ass sword fight and tons of fan love.

Yes the movie is chock full of references to the first movie (and a very cleverly hidden Aliens reference). One guy has a chain gun, shirtless muddied fist fights, for gods sake they have Long Tall Sally over the credits. Yeah the movie is definitely wanting to be someone else but it does it's own things too: like a good twist on the hide the heat signature thing by setting the Predator camp on fire so he can't tell you from the burning village and get in a few good hits. Another is in the original, Native man Billy is going to have a knife fight with the Predator but we never see it, just hear it's sound bites. Well here Hanzo has an actual totally bad ass sword fight that is one of the better fight scenes I've scene in a while. From now on all scifi action movies in space must have sword fights (I'm looking at you Avatar 2).

Acting wise this cast will surprise you. First off replacing Arnold with the Pianist may seem like the rumors are true and movie studios can and are being run by lobotomized monkeys. But no he is actually really good (growly Batman voice aside). Even with his shirt off looks bad ass which probably couldn't tell by watching The Pianist. He is a great hero and a good pick for are lead. I hope he can do sequels. Alice Braga (who I think this is the first time I've seen her) is also really good in her role playing a very Ana Lucia (LOST) kind of woman. Danny Trejo like always turns in a good performance and the rest of the cast are decent. They definitely don't have good banter in the movie though not like the first movie anyway. That and the Topher Grace character and the death row inmate are very, very annoying which is good because let me tell you they have good, awesome death scenes. Still Fishburne proves again he can overshadow everyone and here he does it with twitchy, deranged 10 hunting season survivor who dresses in Predator armor. If only he was around longer.

Now this movie is definitely not perfect. It's no where near the original thanks to a lack of tension as the movie is filled with action scenes which I guess fits Rodriguez's "it's like Aliens approach" but a lack of faith to the original. Topher Grace's doctor character's big shocking reveal is not very interesting at all. Also one character wants to join the Predators because he's a killer too. That is so fucking stupid if you think about it for two seconds. These Predators have done nothing but try to kill you with everything in their arsenal possible even tricking you by nailing an old style Predator to a cross (the second coming?) to launch an assault and now you want to join them?

Overall Predators is one of the better action movies of the summer (at least until The Expendables) and will please Predator fans who unfortunately have been taking it up the ass with bad movie after bad movie. It's a fun action packed thrill ride that while not going to reinvent the wheel is still a very good movie. Oh and PS that scene in the trailer where Brody has like 20 targets on him isn't in the movie, it's just the one. Ripoff.