After the down right pathetic trailer for Let Me In I decided to rip movie trailers in written form as it it endlessly fun and by the way yes you may count Let Me In as episode one of this series. But for now I not so proudly present the trailer of Vampires Suck.
First off I hate all the movie movies: the Scary Movie series (except maybe the first one, that one is ok), Date Movie, Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie which is probably one of the worst films of the entire decade. Well since these guys need to continue to punish the movie going audience because we were mean to them when they were kids or something they have released Vampires Suck a film taking the piss out of the Twilight series which to be completely honest I go see on their opening weekend.
Not because they're good as they're awful, not because I'm a fan of the books which may be one of the biggest waste of paper in literary history and could have saved money by just releasing a pamphlet called Dracula's lobotomized son teaches Abstinence. No I go see the movies because like The Room or Plan 9 from Outer Space they are so awful they go full circle and become hilarious.
Which is why it's completely disheartening to see anybody try to make bad random humor (this is what ruins a lot of anime for me: the completely random bits that are so random the audience is supposedly meant to laugh at). Random humor is not funny it's just annoying.
Yes Vampires Suck looks to do to Metacritic what bottom feeders do to riverbeds: SUCK. These guys can't write anything let alone humor but I feel obliged to dissect each and every "joke" the trailer gives us which going by these guy's trailer record will be the "best" of the movie. So first "joke" he sees a cut and her head becomes a cheeseburger: A this is not funny, and B this has been done before in any comedy where the character is desperately hungry and sees the character as food. Next we get a delivery person fed to the Cullens, and again not funny. This next part really confuses me and proves my point that these guys can't make a good comedy: the movie is supposedly lampooning Twilight yet is making fun of Alice in Wonderland. The writers just want to lampoon everything in sight which makes the movie unfocused and by extension makes everything to quick so we never get a funny joke. Next Jersey Shore joke, see what I mean (by the way yes the Jersey Shore guys are dirtbags and racists but I already knew that).
Okay hot girls in bikini's, nothing to do with Twilight. Lady Gaga joke, again nothing to do with Twilight and also not funny just random. Next the still in the closet werewolves break out in song and dance, and okay this is a little funny. Next Edward using a baseball bat, kinda funny I guess. Beer chugging, nothing to do with Twilight. The obvious Jacob bare shirt joke, which was kind of obvious but they just made a fourth wall joke which isn't funny because that's not a joke, it's reality and it's not funny. The evil vampires being mistaken for the Black Eyed Peas, kinda funny. Jacob turning into a chihuahua, random not funny.
Finally we get to the only really good joke and what the movie should be lampooning: Twilight fans and the whole Team Jacob/Edward phenomenon. The movie could have instead being about the movies, be about the rabid fans and replace the whole vampire vs werewolf war with Team Edward versus Teamn Jacob. That's the movie these guys should be making. Cut out the Alice in Wonderland, Jersey Shore and Lady Gaga bullshit and you could have a funny movie. But as for this abomination, let's bring the lovers and haters of Twilight together and team up on this piece of shit.
Extra Note: I hate movies that cut out the movie's music to let the audience know they're supposed to laugh like we're being told to laugh, kinda like if we lived in the Joker's version of Big Brother
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